I'll jump the gun. My word would be selfish.
I'm fucking selfish, point blank, there, I said it and it has been said. Boom.
As a little girl, my parents would tell me one night that "tomorrow, Rucha, we will go to Toys R Us," and me being a little girl would be very jolly at the notion of having myself completely surrounded by Barbie dolls and endless aisles of playdoh. I would wrap my head around the idea of going there and how nice it was going to be and how fan-fucking-tastic my tomorrow was going to end up.
But then, some underlying circumstance would arise just as we were about to get in the car. "I have to get Indian groceries today," says Mom. "We will not have any other time this weekend and we will promise you we will go another time, it's almost your birthday." But by that time it would be over. I would already be fuming and my head would heat up and I'd only be thinking of me. Me me me. Myself and how miserable I would be that I could not get what I was dreaming about the night before. Mom had already said we would go, and for my birthday even. My freaking birthday! But my head was already so filled with anger and pent up frustration that wouldn't subside until I would cool down and the distractions would ease in and I'd forget about it.
My parents would regret it once the tears would stream and I'd guilt-trip them into heading over to Toys R Us until I was happy. Such a dark and dirty part of myself that I'm exposing here tonight. Yet it's one hundred percent true.
I was always like this, and I still am, to this very day. Determined to get what I want, when I want it. The optimists would view this as being headstrong in order to reach difficult goals, but right now I just see it as being incredibly stubborn.
I'm a bitch. In all seriousness. A cry baby who can't just...deal. I'm almost fucking twenty for crying out loud. Why can't my mind simply process, "Hey, cool it you freak. You might not get what you want now, but becoming angry and stubborn won't solve it, it would just hurt you and make others regret not letting you be selfish. And that's downright stupid of you."
I guess I just don't like letting things go. I already let go something great recently with someone I care deeply about, but I still convince myself it was for the good reasons, the ones that make sense. I just wish I wasn't so damn selfish; always thinking I need too much and deserve too much.
Who even would want to be with someone like that? Maybe I'm spoiled, infatuated with myself and parading around this holier-than-thou bullshit personality that people actually sense and notice all the time.
Well.
Back to studying.
Back to studying.
