It's amazing what loss can teach you. Let me start it off with that loaded sentence and pretend I feel as if this will ultimately be for the better, but all my sad little mind can do right now is think about the could haves.
We could have taken our time staring at one another across a dining hall table, sticky with its residue from old ketchup.
Could have been tracing the protruding veins on his arm.
He could have been kissing me slowly when we were really supposed to be doing homework.
We could have been making love on his worn mattress, and I could have looked into his eyes and quietly sighed as it would happen, almost effortlessly.
I could have held him if he was in pain, could have tried my best to help him overcome something even he doesn't understand.
Yet I'm here. Slowly yet in due time trying to get over a guy who was the light to my days. I became accustomed to the familiarity we shared, and breaking habits is incredibly difficult.
I go through these moments of sheer happiness, and see us being great friends. But what if my mind absolutely hates the idea of that? I ultimately know what my mind should accept, what precipice is a healthy one versus my mental state as of the moment. I know that in order to stop this anguish in my heart, I have to move on.
You know what makes this a bit harder? We both were completely in love with each other.
Wow. I was able to say a thing I never thought I'd say for years and eons to come. And I said it. He holds the power I kept in my heart for myself, he held it and now owns it in some sort of way that I don't think I understand.
Now how exactly do I go about getting it back?
