?

Sat for a while trying to come up with a proper title for this post, but it didn't come to me, so I stuck with punctuation to basically sum up my thoughts.

My entire existence right now is a question mark. I am not sure how I feel, or if I truly feel anything at all. Still focused, always exercising, not settling for less than my best academically, but entirely emotionless. I don't really...feel anything. Not sadness or happiness or excitement except for a few times here and there. I feel as lifeless as the trees in winter.

I can't even say what it is. Or where I am in my processing of certain circumstances. I grieved for a very long time when I was alone, but I am assuming I'm too distracted to think about the past. Am I ignoring it, or am I moving on? 

I doubt it's the latter.

I don't know when I'll feel normal again. Life is passing me by and I am staying motivated, for sure. But I'm not genuinely happy. And that's not alright. The only things keeping me going are endorphins and being around positivity. I don't dwell on the past or the future, but I don't think I dwell on anything anymore. I flit across my thoughts so fast that I fear if I think on something for too long, it will get back to me and I'll be in a rut once again.

I wish things were different, but I have no true power to change them. And that does not bode well with my personality, either. I like having a say in certain things; power was always welcome in my hands and I'd do with it what I could. But for right now, I'm powerless in the places I want to be. Focus is entirely on me at the moment. 

When hasn't it been?