feel these days is an emptiness that recedes deep into my chest. I often sit and stare at things for long periods of time, with no true reason or wish to do anything but lie around or exercise for hours or distract myself with things that are at least healthy. I can do that much for my physical self.
I know it must be this way, but when will it be easier? When will breathing be easier once again? Why is it that the idea of us being us is the only solace in my mind? Why do I want it to be okay again to feel the way we felt in the early months, even before we loved? I wish so hard that we could be friends, but I know it can't be.
I know exactly where my mind should be, I know, I fucking know; but it's not there. One moment I feel a shift, like the time I wrote my last post, yet I can't feel that way again until I've moved past the sadness with a long sob or a deep analyzation of why I should move on.
And you know why it's especially difficult? Because the separation was no one's fault, it simply had to be. There is no place for me to focus my emotions, the way other people can when they want to forget someone. Maybe the guy was entirely wrong, or he cheated, or he was too selfish. But him, his flaws were not permanent. At least the ones he showed me, you know? If we had been together longer and we would have seen the wrongs in us being together because we weren't right, or we were not what we wanted, or he was unwilling to change, then this would be an entirely different story. I would have rationalized with myself and known better than to want him back. I am entirely practical when it comes to things that can't ever change. The only fucking thing that keeps me moving is that maybe there was something in him that I knew I couldn't live with. Maybe, you know? I never truly discovered him, so how would I know? Like I pretend he has something terribly wrong that couldn't ever be fixed so I can find ways to stop feeling the way I do.
But it's not like that.
I know we cannot go back to how we want it to be for fear of losing ourselves and our sanity once again, but this...this doesn't get any easier for me. I wish it could, because two seconds into feeling some kind of hope, it becomes crushed again with my thoughts.
I often begin to lose sight of the things around me and have become comfortably numb, as Pink Floyd would put it. Robotic, with only endorphins and determination to do well in school keeping me afloat. But how much can I exercise to distract, how many books can I read without really feeling anything? I cannot avoid the loss now, it sits in front of me and laughs until I bring myself to dwelling in the past and feel so much hurt in my heart that it weighs me down.
My friends tell me it gets easier when you find someone new to fill that void. I don't fucking want that. I mean, how weak is that? Find someone new to make you feel less empty? That's total bullshit. I can be happy on my own. But I know deep in my heart that it would take years until the right person would come along. Not with the people I am surrounded with will I find someone worth loving once more. I don't wish for that for a long time. Too damn selective, I guess.
It seems high time I begin to get comfortable riding solo.
