As of now, tears are flowing through my eyes and down my cheeks. I don't even know why. My whole body feels numb. The crying is not induced by my cold, or because of physical pain, it's internal anguish.
I had a splendid conversation with my mother just now, all sarcasm aside. I could see her with brand new eyes, and for the first time (in quite a long time) she spoke to be with no anger or bewilderment caused by my actions. She spoke to me as a friend. Our conversation lasted all but a half an hour, yet I spoke to her like I haven't spoken to her in ages, millenniums. She entered my room asking for a Chinese tofu noodle recipe, and before I knew it, we were speaking like old times, not as mother and daughter, but as long-time pals, girlfriends from college.
I asked her the views she had on life these days. From gay marriages to the internet, she told me what she felt. I had never been so connected to her. It was as if I could finally see her as someone I had known for years as a partial stranger at times, seen from a distance, yet now I know everything there is to her. Trust me, after sixteen years and now finally realizing my mother's true psyche, it's drastically life-changing.
Family is valued substantially in Indian culture. My mother, being one who spent her childhood and adolescence in that country, has different views on life than an American mother. I asked her what she would feel about me marrying a man other than an Indian. I was afraid of what she might say. I asked,
"Mom, if I were to come up to you one day in the future and declare to you my love for a man, say to you 'he is the highlight of my life and I cannot live without him.' Yet, he is not Indian. What would you say to me?"She sat for a couple of seconds, looking past me. She met my gaze again and told me she would love and support me no matter what. She understood that the social implications of this country are far different from the male-dominated society back in her homeland. Modern generations, in her eyes, focus on the internet, text messaging, cyber-sex, online dating, and Facebook, things she never had as a child. When I, on the other hand, do. She looked me square in the eye and said the following words.
"You will most definitely come across this one day. Being the bright yet emotional girl that you are, you will face this decision. I want you to know that when it comes to me, I will like any boy that you choose. Please, just let him have a good family background, for the upbringing of a man means the most to me. It affects his personality. His family is who he is, he has an undying and eternal connection to them, that is, if he is a nice boy. One who can love his family is one who can love you. Keep this in mind."I stared at her, letting her words seep through me, let me crumble, like ice cream melting on a warm slice of apple pie, taking in all of its essence and goodness.
"Also, Rucha, know that as you will get older, the impact of having a family with two different heritages and cultures intertwined will be judged. You will need a great deal of time to adjust to it all. You can love whomever you choose, but know that he will always love his family and culture as well. Sometimes...others will not see this."She concluded by letting me know that she could see so much of her inside of me. My personality and the way I view the world is almost identical to hers. Tonight, after even one of the shortest conversations with my mother, I broke down into tears. It forced me to look at my life with new (yet at the moment, slightly blurry) eyes. What am I doing? What is my goal? Who am I doing this for? The choices are finally manifesting themselves in my mind, yet which ones do I choose? My mother, I realized can guide me well. I just need to learn to listen.
I feel pained that I have not spent time with someone recently. We were quite connected in the past, and my life as of now has become too busy, and I regret saying that I do not know when I will be able to see him again like I used to. Sometimes, I wish I could let go of my life right now. Yet, just like my mother said, when people have no connections to their cultures, no ties to their family, it leads them to do the wrong things. The immoral ones. Tonight I realized that I am doing all of the right things that I am for one thing: my loving, caring family.
On a lighter side of things, I am also watching The Sound of Music with my younger brother. He finds it hilarious that everyone can sing and dance in a normal setting, and no one would consider them even the least bit crazy. How I wish the world was truly like that.
Happy Christmas decorating, all. (:
