The tingles begin in my nose, working their way slowly upwards until my eyes tear, and thus the simple ability to breathe through my nose is eschewed with any chance of a good night's rest. I hope this is the pollen getting to me, although I've never suffered from allergies my entire life. This cannot be another infection again, not in the same month.
I've lost myself. Just as I foresaw something so predictable about my nature, I grew too accustomed to my own tendencies. I follow the same pattern: start something new, live vicariously through it, never doubt my hope and allegiance to it, then in the blink of an eye, lose interest and lose sight of what matters most. I'm sitting in my bed at home right now and staring back at the shadowless ceiling, coming to no conclusions about how and why I got myself this far without any inherent problems. How hadn't I gotten bored sooner? Why did my mind decide to stick it out this long?
I think it has to do with this semblance of realness we put into it. My friend and I, we are stretching the limits of what a friendship can hold. We told each other "no feelings," and I was up for it. It was all flying colors, and it still is. Yet, is it my fatigue that's bringing me back to a disposition that I know so well? The same disposition that thrives off of brand new things, day after day, rather than the same old? Or is it the warmth that's bringing a sudden desire for change? There are too many things to sort out here, so I might as well change the subject without hurting my head. The investigation can continue when I'm not exhausted.
I'm beginning to prefer sobriety over all else. There are certain people I cannot be around when they've had one too many drinks (usually guys), and certain others when high (including myself). I hate myself when I'm stoned; I can't come to terms with anything and I judge and extrapolate the shit out of the most trivial things. It's like I've got a war in my mind.
I'm perfectly fine with not knowing what the summer holds, so I don't have to force myself to adhere to a schedule I unknowingly create.
Sometimes, being alone is better. That way, no one has the ability in their hands to hurt you.
