?

Sat for a while trying to come up with a proper title for this post, but it didn't come to me, so I stuck with punctuation to basically sum up my thoughts.

My entire existence right now is a question mark. I am not sure how I feel, or if I truly feel anything at all. Still focused, always exercising, not settling for less than my best academically, but entirely emotionless. I don't really...feel anything. Not sadness or happiness or excitement except for a few times here and there. I feel as lifeless as the trees in winter.

I can't even say what it is. Or where I am in my processing of certain circumstances. I grieved for a very long time when I was alone, but I am assuming I'm too distracted to think about the past. Am I ignoring it, or am I moving on? 

I doubt it's the latter.

I don't know when I'll feel normal again. Life is passing me by and I am staying motivated, for sure. But I'm not genuinely happy. And that's not alright. The only things keeping me going are endorphins and being around positivity. I don't dwell on the past or the future, but I don't think I dwell on anything anymore. I flit across my thoughts so fast that I fear if I think on something for too long, it will get back to me and I'll be in a rut once again.

I wish things were different, but I have no true power to change them. And that does not bode well with my personality, either. I like having a say in certain things; power was always welcome in my hands and I'd do with it what I could. But for right now, I'm powerless in the places I want to be. Focus is entirely on me at the moment. 

When hasn't it been?

Shame

I consider it a true shame that two people who shared such an emotional, deep connection that links them in a kind of unparalleled way have to break it off entirely in order to get their lives moving. I understand why now, that's for sure. But I still think it's just a shame. It's an all-or-nothing game, love is. The formality and sacrifice of a label seems to be too much to handle, and I'm pretty sure I understood that before I allowed us to jump in. I never meant to put everything out on the line and relationships are terrifying; I was perfectly fine with taking it slow. But you never know until you try, right?

Makes love seem daunting and forces you to weigh your options. Such a high risk factor there. I feel like the black congressional candidate, but instead of the rent, I'm shouting "THE RISK IS TOO DAMN HIGH."

Human beings take the toll from a loss to be much more emotionally moving than the joy from a new gain. That's the exact reason why people hurt more after eschewing someone from their life than understanding the value and cherishing the idea of bringing someone new in. It's common nature.

Slow progress is progress, right? I'm allowing the writing and reading and exercise to nourish my brain. The second I think of relapsing and wishing for things that are not in my power to happen, I stop myself. If things were meant for us sometime in the future, then they will be. But I surely don't allow myself to rely or wish for that or dwell on the fact that I am alone. 

Of course, right now I feel great because friends have helped and I can only ever comprehend moving forward if I analyze properly, but I am alright with where I am. I try to run from my thoughts every once in a while, but they seem to easily catch up to me, and then I'm out of breath once again.

All I Can

feel these days is an emptiness that recedes deep into my chest. I often sit and stare at things for long periods of time, with no true reason or wish to do anything but lie around or exercise for hours or distract myself with things that are at least healthy. I can do that much for my physical self.  

I know it must be this way, but when will it be easier? When will breathing be easier once again? Why is it that the idea of us being us is the only solace in my mind? Why do I want it to be okay again to feel the way we felt in the early months, even before we loved? I wish so hard that we could be friends, but I know it can't be.

I know exactly where my mind should be, I know, I fucking know; but it's not there. One moment I feel a shift, like the time I wrote my last post, yet I can't feel that way again until I've moved past the sadness with a long sob or a deep analyzation of why I should move on.

And you know why it's especially difficult? Because the separation was no one's fault, it simply had to be. There is no place for me to focus my emotions, the way other people can when they want to forget someone. Maybe the guy was entirely wrong, or he cheated, or he was too selfish. But him, his flaws were not permanent. At least the ones he showed me, you know? If we had been together longer and we would have seen the wrongs in us being together because we weren't right, or we were not what we wanted, or he was unwilling to change, then this would be an entirely different story. I would have rationalized with myself and known better than to want him back. I am entirely practical when it comes to things that can't ever change. The only fucking thing that keeps me moving is that maybe there was something in him that I knew I couldn't live with. Maybe, you know? I never truly discovered him, so how would I know? Like I pretend he has something terribly wrong that couldn't ever be fixed so I can find ways to stop feeling the way I do.

But it's not like that. 

I know we cannot go back to how we want it to be for fear of losing ourselves and our sanity once again, but this...this doesn't get any easier for me. I wish it could, because two seconds into feeling some kind of hope, it becomes crushed again with my thoughts.

I often begin to lose sight of the things around me and have become comfortably numb, as Pink Floyd would put it. Robotic, with only endorphins and determination to do well in school keeping me afloat. But how much can I exercise to distract, how many books can I read without really feeling anything? I cannot avoid the loss now, it sits in front of me and laughs until I bring myself to dwelling in the past and feel so much hurt in my heart that it weighs me down. 

My friends tell me it gets easier when you find someone new to fill that void. I don't fucking want that. I mean, how weak is that? Find someone new to make you feel less empty? That's total bullshit. I can be happy on my own. But I know deep in my heart that it would take years until the right person would come along. Not with the people I am surrounded with will I find someone worth loving once more. I don't wish for that for a long time. Too damn selective, I guess.

It seems high time I begin to get comfortable riding solo.